Signs and Significance of Codependency
You hear a lot about codependency in the context of recovery. A LOT. For those new to sobriety or for family members who are first navigating how to best deal with a loved one in treatment, it might sometimes feel like think it’s just the latest buzz word, fad, or the preoccupation of pop psychologists. It’s not!
Codependency is a serious issue – a pattern of unhealthy behaviors in relationships that, if left unchecked, can be harmful to both the person who exhibits the behaviors and those they often enable or try to fix or save. So what does it really mean, why is it so closely connected to the idea of addiction, and what can be done about it? One of the reasons codependency can be confusing is that there are so many ways of talking about it. Some suggest it always shows up in relationships with addictive, abusive, or dysfunctional individuals. It most often does. It certainly is a frequent result of those kinds of relationships. Most experts agree that codependent behaviors are learned from observing, or living through, traumatic, imbalanced, and dysfunctional relations in childhood and then transferring those patterns into adult relationships – which often center on people whom the codependent sees as struggling or needing help. And frequently codependency looks like its own kind of addiction – an addiction to relationships and the need to help, change, or rescue others to make one’s self feel good and worthy. Quite simply, codependency can be defined as a pattern of painful over-dependence on others and on approval, to find meaning, identity, and value. It is so closely associated with alcoholic or addictive upbringings because in these kinds of settings there is a consistent element of children being taught to subvert their own needs to cover up for or please a difficult parent, which can lead to a long-standing pattern of trying to get love and care from a difficult, frequently undependable, person. Young people growing up in these situations are taught that it is selfish to focus on themselves, so they often feel ashamed of having their own needs and have a hard time setting boundaries and asking for fair treatment. When people with a background like this move into adulthood, they often replay these negative and developmentally stifled patterns. Unresolved codependency can lead to serious problems like drug addiction, alcoholism, and eating disorders. Codependents are also less likely to seek needed medical care and more likely to remain in stressful situations. And the insecurity that people who exhibit codependency feel can progress into stress, anxiety, and depression. So it’s crucial to recognize the signs and get help if you think you may need it.
Do any of these characteristics sound eerily familiar or self-descriptive?
- A tendency to feel responsible for other people – their feelings, choices, wants, and needs
- A need or compulsion to say yes when you mean no
- An attraction to needy people
- Feeling angry, victimized, unappreciated, or used
- Basing self-worth on the approval of others
- Denying or diminishing feelings
- Struggling to make decisions in fear of upsetting others
- Giving up interests, friends, or hobbies for the sake of others
- Avoiding abandonment by staying in unhealthy relationships
- Blaming one’s self for everything
- Rejecting compliments or praise
- A feeling of being not quite good enough
If these descriptors hit close to home, you likely have some codependent issues.
The more you understand it– and take advantage of counseling and strategies to help effectively re-frame distorted thinking and self-diminishing behaviors – the closer you are to finding a new sense of self and balance that can lead to healthier outcomes for yourself and anyone in recovery you may be trying to support.
Because codependency so frequently impacts our clients and their families, BTG offers programming that examines and helps to address the underlying causes of addiction, while educating families on how they can play a critical and positive role in the recovery of their loved one.